but there was no sound, there was only me and my disgrace

[iustitiae]

closed to natasha, august 16
The strange thing is, the numbness sets in first. Before the panic, before the fear. He's starting to wonder what being with these people is doing to him. But the clarity is almost worse. After the first murder, the night after had been a huge blur, the anxiety eating out all of the memories, making them fuzzy and unfocused and all that was left was the imprint of the intense feelings, but not the specifics. This clarity though...the blood on his hands was going to be there for a long time.

But he knows how to get away with murder, and he knows how to solve this problem. That's what he was always doing, solving problems for other people, but this time he has no one to blame for himself. So he swallows his nausea and cleans up the crime scene.

And then...And then...

The sickness starts to set in and the anxiety and the tension and he hates himself too much to be alone with himself. He needs someone else, and even while the loathing tells him he doesn't deserve it, logic knows he needs it. He seeks out Natasha. She's the only person who is stable enough to deal with the bizarre shit he's been dealing with. The only person he can trust with this information without it hurting her.

"I...Natasha, I need to talk."



open, august 18
Do you know what today is? Do you? Here I'll key you in - it's the full moon. And everyone's new favorite baby werewolf is finding out the hard way what that means for the first time. At least he's smart - he's not sure he's really going to transform (but he can feel it, and he knows it instinctively and that's kind of creepy to him), but he's not about to hang around somewhere he can fuck things up more than he has. So here we are, a little before sundown, and he's just chilling in the forest, stashing an extra pair of clothes behind a tree (look, he's seen werewolf movies before), and biding his sweet time before he turns into a giant hungry dog, or whatever.



open, august 19
The morning after, but not the fun kind. At least he's got the Walk of Shame™ thing down, yesterday's clothes secretly stuffed in a briefcase, today's clothes only slightly tousled and only slightly woodland-tingled (a leaf here, some dirt on the cuffs on his pants, no big deal). He looks like a very hung over, very much needing coffee, normal millenial though, by all other counts. He's pretty sure he didn't kill anyone last night so while he's exhausted, he's also pretty happy. What a world, that that's something to be excited about.

Comments

[outstandingbalance]

Natasha isn't hard to find. Most nights, she's at Redbright or the area around it. That's not something she's made a secret of. She doesn't hide it, and one of the reasons she doesn't is situations like this—where someone might need to find her.

She wishes she could be surprised that it's Connor who comes looking.

Taking one long, searching look over the young man, Natasha has the sinking feeling that she knows where this is going. Her brows and her lips draw together n a concerned frown. "Yeah," she says. "All right. How about we take a walk?"

She can practically see the anxious energy coming off him in waves. Moving might give him an outlet for that while he tells her what's happened now.

[iustitiae]

"Sure, yeah." He nods hurriedly and waits for her to get her coat or whatever she needs, trying not to just pace. Walking was definitely a good idea.

"I don't think I'm going to be okay," he says finally, once they've started walking and have gotten a good enough pace away from Redbright. He's silent before that. This is the first thing he says.

[outstandingbalance]

That is certainly one way to start this conversation She walks beside him, setting a comfortable pace. She doesn't head anywhere particular, just picks a direction and goes. How Connor looks, she doesn't think the destination matters much.

"That's ominous," she observes softly. "You want to talk about it?"

[iustitiae]

"I do," Connor sighs heavily. He wants to talk, but words get tight and caught in his throat. He knows how this part goes, how the anxiety fights back and claws at your insides to keep you silent. But he'd also never intended to tell Oliver anything when he'd seen him after the first time. He wants to tell Natasha.

But he doesn't assume this will be without consequence. Surely the supernaturals had their own system of law and order that they followed. He hadn't bothered to care enough, not even with all the election drama, but he realizes he should have been. Now he's just thinking in what ifs, and what ifs were never good.

It'll take him a moment.

"That's why I came here, but I..." but it's hard. It's always so hard.

[outstandingbalance]

"No rush," Natasha says. She almost tells him that it's all right, but clearly that's not the case. It seems to be in bad taste, even understanding the words would have meant only as comfort. "I don't have anywhere I have to be until dawn."

So he can take as much time as he needs.

She almost wishes she knew more werewolves. There'd been Alex, but she was gone. Before her, she'd met another werewolf working at Redbright, but only once and for only a few moments before he'd gone back to Russia—the irony in that hadn't been lost on her. Neither of them were around now to send a brand new werewolf to for advice.

Because Natasha assumes that's where this is going. She doesn't know for sure, but given the context, given the evidence such as it is, she's confident making that inference.

"How about if we start with what happened?"

[iustitiae]

No werewolves to turn to for advice, but enough to still turn people into werewolves. That's how it always was, wasn't it? Enough people to break things, never enough to fix them.

"I guess, I stupidly believed that I could be free from -- from all of this if I just tried," if he just didn't act like a monster. If he just didn't kill. "But it's like...the whole goddamn universe has it in for me that I have to be involved."

[outstandingbalance]

"Sometimes it seems that way," Natasha says mildly. "So I'm guessing that something came up that made it hard not to act like a monster."

It had already been obvious that he'd killed someone. The only real questions was how and why.

[iustitiae]

"Yeah, something like that." Connor isn't sure how much he wants or can tell her at this point, but it's really enough that she hasn't gotten rid of him, even with all the implications here. "Why does it have to be like this?"

[outstandingbalance]

Natasha snorts softly. Oddly enough, the sound comes from a cynical kind of sympathy. She's wondered that sort of thing before, in the moments when it feels like everything before she was turned was only carrying her to that point.

"It just ends up like this," she says softly. "But once it's happened, there's not much going back."

[iustitiae]

Natasha would know, of course. He doesn't know how long she's been a vampire, but he suspects it's a pretty long time with how calm she was around everything. It wasn't fair. Sometimes he thinks vampires have it worse.

(If they would just stop being such assholes about the whole werewolf thing, though. It makes it very hard to be sympathetic.)

"Things have been fucked up for a long time." It's selfish. His long time is nothing compared to hers. But it doesn't matter, he's always going to see things from his perspective.

[outstandingbalance]

Natasha is willing not to be competitive about whose situation is worse. That doesn't seem like a game anyone wins.

"I don't doubt that." Going from haunted to cursed wasn't exactly moving up in the world either, it was true. "It's probably not going to get less fucked up any time soon, either. But it can get better."

[iustitiae]

"Better, how?" he asks, tone incredulous. He doesn't think there's getting much better from this.

[outstandingbalance]

Natasha sighs. She knows her answer isn't the one he wants to hear, and she doesn't blame him for that. Unfortunately, it's the answer that she has. "You learn to adapt."

[iustitiae]

She's right, it's not. But it's the answer that seems inevitable. "So what, I become the alpha puppy?"

[outstandingbalance]

"If you have alpha in you," Natasha says with a shrug. Maybe he does. It's not the kind of dominance that she's normally seen in wolves, but there are different ways to take charge and wolves are different from vampires.

[iustitiae]

"Kinky," he replies, winking at her. At least making jokes was something of a good sign, though his morbid sense of humor had definitely won out at some truly lower points, too.

[outstandingbalance]

"That's the spirit," Natasha responds dryly, a faint smile playing around her lips. It's weak, though; she understands that kind of humor, and she doesn't take it for a sign he's okay. Maybe that he will be okay given time, but he's not there yet.

[iustitiae]

"All of this is such a mess," he can tell she doesn't believe it's better and that's fine. He came to her for emotions or something so at least she was letting him have the space to do it. It was a double-edged sword, but it was probably what he needed. "Maybe I should just turn myself over to the supernatural police or something."

[outstandingbalance]

"I don't think that would turn out real well for anyone." She shakes her head, giving him a sideways glance. "Will it do any good if I tell you to keep your head down?"

[iustitiae]

Right again. It wouldn't be good for anyone - and if they start unraveling the strings of how badly he's fucked up, he'd probably end up pulling down everyone with him. "No, that's. Probably the best." He doesn't expect it though. Good people were supposed to turn themselves in, weren't they? I mean -- good people weren't supposed to do this at all but barring that and with existing circumstances as they were...wasn't the right answer supposed to be go to the cops? It's a counsel he's not expecting, not from Natasha. Maybe he should have, she's a vampire. She's probably had her share of strange kills.

August 19th

[emotioneater]

Cooper is out for an early morning ride on his motorcycle, taking advantage of the sunlight, when he spots one rather weary-looking werewolf. He recognizes him from the coffee shop, and if his looks are anything to go by, it looks like he got around to fully activating that curse. A rather impish-looking grin crosses his face as he pulls up alongside Connor, easily keeping pace with the walking speed.

"Well, well. What do we have here?" Someday, Cooper will learn to shut up instead of antagonizing everyone around him. Today is not that day. "What can I get you? Hair of the dog? Bloody Mary? Kibble?"

[iustitiae]

As happy as he might be about not killing anyone, rest assured that there's enough anger left in him to flip Cooper right off for those comments.

"Don't be jealous," it's his usual night-after comment and yeah there is literally nothing about his life to be jealous about but he's going to play this off however he can. He's definitely not having this conversation with someone who smells so....awful and vampirish, thanks enhanced senses.

[emotioneater]

"Riiiight. Jealous of you eating squirrels and shedding fur all over the place? Think I'll pass on that one, bucko." There's reasons why he dislikes werewolves. Some of them have nothing to do with the long-standing rivalry between them and vampires. There's just something primitive about how werewolves act that just doesn't appeal to his fang-filled sensibility.

He wheels the bike another foot or two down the street. He leans over the front, giving Connor another once over. "But in all seriousness, how're you doing?"

[iustitiae]

"I'm pretty sure I didn't eat a squirrel." I mean, he has no idea, but anything is better than eating a person so honestly even if he had eaten a squirrel he really wouldn't care that much. "Afterglow isn't as nice as sex." He shrugs, trying to play it off. He is in pain. A lot of pain, really, but he's trying not to think too hard about that.

[emotioneater]

"Better a squirrel than a rat." Don't ask him how he knows what a rat's blood tastes like. He's gone through some lean times in his life. "Any way you look at it, you probably got a bad case of fleas right now."

He pats the seat of the motorcycle behind him. "Want me t'drop you off anywhere? I guarantee I'll be faster than hoofing it." He drives like a maniac thanks to his higher reflexes, but he has yet to get into a car accident in all the time he's been in the city.

[iustitiae]

"Sure you're not afraid you're going to catch some?" He's not going to turn down help. The last thing he needs is to be late to work, he can already imagine the lecture he's going to get if he does.

Without waiting for an answer he climbs on anyway and gives the address of his professor's office in the City. Work and not getting chewed out is more important than pride.

[emotioneater]

Cooper pulls out two pairs of riding goggles out of a pouch that's strapped alongside the vehicle and hands over one of them to Connor. "For bugs," he explains, revving the engine before taking off.

Cooper drives like a madman, swerving around taxis with only a hairsbreadth of space between them and certain doom, screeching to a halt at red lights like they're his personal enemy, and at one point even hopping up on the sidewalk and speeding along for a few meters before jumping back onto the street. He turns his head and shouts the words back at Connor as they get stranded at another red light. "Still back there?"

[iustitiae]

Connor pulls on the googles, well aware that they probably both look stupid, and holds on to Cooper. He's not overtly phased by this, although it wouldn't be his first choice after a long night. Cooper's not really the best driver but he's not really afraid for his life. City living. Gets to everyone.

"I'm not dead yet, that's a good sign, right?"

[emotioneater]

"Not much that will kill ya now. Just stay clear of the wolfsbane." As if to prove his point about the supernatural being hard to kill, he takes off going faster than he needs to to. He turns his head slightly and warns, "Hold on tight!" Then he pops a wheelie, more for the sake of showing off than anything else.

Cooper's laughing and hooting like a maniac. There's something about motorcycles that makes the vampire feel free and alive the way nothing else does. It was worth it to live into the twentieth century just to experience them.

[iustitiae]

He wasn't expecting this, though. He holds on tighter and yelps. Has he mentions he feels like he's vaguely hungover? This is definitely not helping at all.

"Cool. Great."

[emotioneater]

Cooper gets Connor to his professor's place with plenty of time to spare. He screeches the bike to a sudden halt that nearly has them overshooting the road and ending up on the sidewalk. Cooper takes his goggles off and they sit jauntily in his hair. "Piece of cake." He turns back to look at the newly-minted werewolf, giving him a friendly thump on the shoulder despite how pale the man looks. "You survived your first night 'n your first morning after. Congratulations."

[iustitiae]

It's weird, how he's getting something like friendship with Cooper. Maybe all vampires weren't so bad. The free ride and not being late is a pretty sweet deal. The words of support, too, even if they're a little sarcastic.

He takes off the goggles and hands them over. "Thanks," and he means it. "Let me buy you a drink sometime." He pulls out a business card from his pocket. Of course he has business cards, but more importantly they have his cell number on them. "You've gone out of your way more than once for me now."

[emotioneater]

Cooper looks over the business card, running a thumb over the edge before putting it in his pocket. Fancy. Very nice. Here he was thinking that only old men still had them.

"I told you I wish someone had done the same for me. Guess I've just got a soft spot for those that are new to this whole...whatever you want to call it." That moment when someone's life got turned upside down because now they were officially part of the supernatural community. There needed to be a term for that. Maybe there was in another language like French.

[iustitiae]

"Yeah," Connor nods. Cooper doesn't need more words to explain, he understands. They're in this together, at least, and that's more than most people can say about terrible situations. "I'll see you around, yeah?"

[emotioneater]

"Count on it, Fuzzy," Cooper replies. So he's become friends with a werewolf. Who would have thought? He revs his motorcycle up and it lets out a puff of black smoke. He takes off down the street amidst the cloud, narrowly swerving around a truck that's just pulling out.