undergrounds | Nobody Needs to Know (February Catch-All)

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Nobody Needs to Know (February Catch-All)

I. All right - the panic recedes

Matt stood outside the main campus building staring up at the entrance. An uneasy ball of anxiety sat heavy in his stomach. Ever since he'd used his abilities on Simon's parents he had been avoiding the Institute. He wasn't proud of the fact he'd been absent from his studies but the thought of facing his professors (and running into Simon) was low on his list of priorities. Still, he didn't want to be thrown out for failing to show up for his lessons. The shame and guilt made it difficult for him to face the consequences yet her he was, a few steps from biting the bullet and getting it over with.

Matt took a few tentative steps up the stairs, gripping the strap of his shoulder bag hard. He reached the door and paused once more. Maybe he needed one more day, he thought to himself. He'd email a few professors first, call around and get the notes from others in class. After all, what was one more day? It wasn't as though he was going to be in any greater danger of losing his position if he showed up tomorrow instead of today.

He turned from the door and began to walk back down the stairs. Already the uncomfortable feeling in his chest was disappearing. Matt knew he should just head back to class but not now. He wasn't ready. One more day spent hiding wouldn't kill him.

II. All right - everyone bleeds

Matt was a regular at the strip club now. It wasn't just the bodies that danced on the stage, their bodies writhing around the pole in ever inventive configurations. There were other reasons why Guilty Pleasures was his first (and usually only) stop for the night. That reason was found in the dark corners, shining eyes watching the warm bodies that were flush with desire.

He could control it, he told himself night after night. He'd set the ground rules and dance that razor thin edge where pleasure and pain mixed. Strange, he normally never liked to mix pain in his vices but lately it seemed to fit. Maybe he was indulging in some medieval form of punishment but that would be acknowledging he felt guilt for everything that had happened with Simon. Matt didn't want to delve into the psychological reasons - he just wanted to forget. Being bitten made the world disappear.

III. All right - I get what I need

Rolling from one vice to the next was easy for Matt. He'd never been to a brothel before - had never had to pay for what was easily won with a smile and suggestive word - but tonight he felt the need to lose himself with another person that didn't involve blood. Maybe if he could simply get sex out of his system he'd be clearer minded. At least he'd finally scratch an itch that had been bothering him for months now.

IV. And nobody needs to know

Home. It was strange how quickly the flat had become synonymous with 'home' in Matt's mind. All of his late nights and early mornings kept him away from the one place he longed to be. But he couldn't face Simon other than a few brief encounters that were nothing more than a casual glance as Matt ran out the door. Now after almost a month since the event that sent him spiraling out of control, Matt was tired. He missed Simon. He wanted to come home. He only hoped he still had a home to come back to.

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Simon was in the bathroom, getting ready for work at the Night Council, when he heard the front door open and found himself tensing. Theirs was a small flat; despite their best efforts, they couldn't avoid each other very well. So it turned into an odd sort of dance. Simon lived by daylight, Matt by nighttime. When one was awake, the other slept. They crept around each other as much as they could, doing their level best to pretend the other didn't exist.

It was exhausting.

It wasn't uncommon for Matt to come stumbling in after dawn, but this was late even by his standards. It was almost 9. Simon groaned and finished adjusting his tie, wishing mightily he hadn't promised to stop drinking all the time. This was so much easier when neither of them were sober.

He ignored Matt as he came into the kitchen and began to assemble his breakfast.

"Hey," he said eventually, not looking up.

Matt wasn't sure what he wanted to say. A part of him felt that perhaps he had waited too long. That the moment when he should say something was long since past. Maybe it would be easier to continue avoiding each other. Yet, no matter how afraid Matt was of what Simon would say, it was the silence that was more terrifying.

"Hi," he said after a brief pause, walking over to the kitchen. He watched as Simon moved around, noticing that he was smartly dressed which was strange. "That's a nice shirt," he said. "Job interview?"

"I already got the job," Simon replied tersely. "More than a week ago." Where have you been? Remained unsaid.

He poured coffee into his thermos and started to make toast.

"I'm working for the Night Council now. As a Guardian."

He still hadn't made eye contact.

"Oh."

How much had he missed? In Matt's attempt to ignore life he seemed to have completely disconnected. Simon was working for the Night Council. Matt's first thought was wondering how he'd managed that considering all that had happened but he bit his tongue. The goal wasn't to piss Simon off. He wanted to start to mend the broken bridges, no smash them further.

"That's great. Really. I'm sorry I missed it."

The words felt lame and far too late. Matt shifted, awkwardly holding his arm. "Congratulations."

"Yeah, it's a fucking party. Go me. I get to work with the same bastards who didn't answer the bloody phone when they needed to and then went and erased my parents' memories. When they said they'd take care of it, I didn't want that to happen. Fuck."

It all came out at once. Simon had been holding it in since he'd found out about the nomination.

"I didn't think they'd seriously recommend me."

Matt stood motionless, feeling as though another weight was added to his shoulders. Simon didn't know what Matt had done. The rules Matt had broken in an attempt to do something for his friend. No one seemed to know and the guilt of it ate at him.

"I'm sure they saw that you were only trying to protect your family," Matt said. He sat down at the kitchen table, his heart beating hard in his chest.

"Did... um, did they actually erase your parents memories? I mean, did they tell you that or...?"

He let the question hang, afraid that finishing it would out himself.

Edited 2016-02-12 03:41 (UTC)

Simon shrugged, not particularly wanting to answer. This was the longest conversation he'd had with his flatmate in weeks, and it was about something he didn't want to remember.

A shared trauma.

"They didn't mention it, really, but it's probably part of the standard cleanup procedure. Oops, a vampire's got loose; let's erase the memories of the people he bit. And all that. Either way, Mum and Dad don't remember a thing."

He felt distinctly uncomfortable with Matt in his personal space. And sober. He hadn't seen Matt sober in over a month.

"I'm...I'm going to miss my bus." That wasn't true. Simon didn't have to be there for another couple hours. He just hadn't anticipated having to make small talk with someone he didn't even know anymore.

Edited 2016-02-12 04:15 (UTC)

"You're leaving?"

Matt wasn't ready for Simon to go. This was the most they'd ever said to each other in a month and if they ended the conversation now they might never start up again. He stood up quickly, the chair wobbling and nearly falling over.

"Don't go in today. Call in sick or whatever. You should stay so we can... talk."

"What's there to talk about?" Simon's voice was harsh. Maybe too harsh. "You've been completely fucking checked out for weeks and I had to chase you all over London to a vampire strip club just to get the fucking rent? Is that what you want to talk about? That you come in drunk or high or both at four fucking am? That you've been selling your fucking blood to vampires? I can smell it on you. All the time."

And...

"Did you fuck my girlfriend?"

Had he? Matt honestly couldn't remember - the days and nights blended together in a haze. The point had been to forget everything. There wasn't a single answer he could give that would satisfy Simon's curiosity.

"I want to talk about what happened," Matt said. "All of it. I fucked up. I wasn't there when you needed me. I... did things I'm not proud of. I'm probably in danger of being kicked out of the Institute. You don't owe me anything and I've done little in the last few weeks to be a model roommate. I'm just... I'm sorry."

Matt took a long, shaky breath. "You're my friend," he said, and he could feel his voice breaking a little as he said it. "More than that - I'm closer to you than I've ever been to anyone. And when you needed me the most I just stood there like an idiot and did nothing. So I hid and did everything to try to kill myself for being a coward. I seem to be pretty shitty at that or else my heart wasn't really in it.

I know I don't deserve to even ask but can we just talk and not throw accusations at each other? Because if that's all you want to do then I'll just pack my shit now and leave before you get back."

And the thing is, Simon was so tempted to let Matt do just that. Pack his stuff and go and get the fuck out of Simon's life. But he didn't want that any more than Matt did. Simon was too loyal to the idea of their friendship, even if his goodwill was stretched almost to breaking.

He didn't quite know what to say, so he stood in the kitchen, dragging his hand through his hair until it stood on end. Finally, he took a deep breath. "You didn't fuck up. I did. He played me perfectly. I did exactly what he wanted me to, right up until I killed him. That wasn't you. That was me.

"What were you supposed to do? He was armed, you weren't. I've got built-in weapons."

Simon caught himself and grimaced, giving Matt a self-deprecating little smile. It was the first time he'd looked directly at him. "'Built in weapons?' Jesus. I sound like a fucking action figure."

Edited 2016-02-13 05:58 (UTC)

Matt couldn't help but laugh a little. The thought of Simon as an action figure was just too silly. "Do you have a button on your back that gives you karate-chop action? All the best action figures have that."

The smile on his face didn't last very long. At least Simon hadn't left. That meant there was still a chance they could salvage their friendship, even if Matt hadn't yet confessed the worst of it to Simon.

"There were ways I could have helped you that didn't involve me staring at you as though you were a monster," he said softly, moving closer to Simon. "You're not a monster. I"m sorry for reacting the way I did. Maybe if I had trusted in you I wouldn't have... done what I did."

Matt took a deep breath and looked up at Simon. "I have a confession to make," he said softly. "Since you're Night Council now, I won't hold it against you if you have to take me in. But I have to tell you or I might find myself in a den of vampires who aren't as careful as some of the places I've been lately.

After you left that day it wasn't the Night Council that erased your parents memory. It was me."

Whatever Simon expected Matt to say, it wasn't that.

He immediately checked his phone, realized he had about twenty minutes left to talk, provided traffic to Westminster wasn't overly horrendous and he could take an Uber, and still be mostly on time for work.

He pointed to the futon that doubled as Matt's bed.

"Sit the fuck down and tell me you didn't just say what I thought you said."

Matt sighed, his worst fears coming to life and yet he felt the horrible weight on his shoulders lift a little. At least now he could put it all out on the table. Whatever the consequences of his actions were he would face them.

He sat down on the futon, his hands folded in front of him. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't know what else to do. The way you looked before running out the door... I just thought it would be better if the whole thing never happened."

Simon put his face in his hands.

"Jesus Christ, Matt."

He didn't even know if he was actually angry. Mostly, he just felt tired.

"You don't have to forgive me," Matt said, letting everything pour out in one long gush. "I don't really forgive myself. It was one of those decisions that seemed right at the time. You said you couldn't stand the way your parents were looking at you - that in one afternoon they discovered you were a shifter and on top of that, watched you kill a person. If they had been my parents I'd want them to forget. I thought it was safer for all of you if the incident disappeared."

Matt crossed his arms over his chest, hugging himself. "Family is important," he said softly. "The whole reason I'm here is because the only person who gave a damn about me died. And if my mom ever looked at me like I was a killer - I wouldn't hesitate to change that memory."

Simon was quiet for a long time after Matt finished talking.

"I'm not going to lie and say I'm not angry, because I am." Shit, he sounded like his father. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not disappointed in you, Simon.

And maybe that was what did it. He was angry, and he knew he had every right to be angry. But he was also somewhat relieved. Matt was right; no matter how fucked up it was, he had a clean slate with his parents. They didn't have to live with the memory of watching their only child kill a man.

"I'm angry," he said again. "But I don't know if I'm angry at you. Maybe I'm just angry at this whole fucking situation."

Maybe it was the fact he hadn't slept in days, or that he hadn't expected Simon to listen to anything he said but Matt's nerves were raw and it didn't take much to trigger him into tears. He curled his legs up onto the couch, hiding his head as he began to sob. Thinking of his mother didn't help him to control his emotions - if anything it only made it worse.

"I just want to come home," he said, his voice breaking. "I'm so tired of hiding that all I want to do is come home."

Something in Matt's voice caused Simon to turn around and really look at his flatmate for the first time since this whole mess started.

"...You pay rent here, don't you?" he asked, sounding distinctly uncomfortable.

It was his way of apologizing.

"The place's yours as long as you do."

"And continue to ignore each other, pretending that the other person doesn't exist," Matt said, lifting his head to reveal red eyes. "I can't live like that anymore. It's too... empty. Alone. I don't like being alone."

Simon just shifted awkwardly in his seat. Shit, was Matt actually crying?

"I'd say we're doing a decent job of acknowledging each other right now, aren't we?"

"Yeah. I suppose so."

This wasn't how he imagined it. Simon should be yelling at him or showing some sort of emotion. But there was nothing and Matt wondered if he'd completely mis-read everything about their friendship. Maybe he'd wanted a friend so badly he forced Simon to fit the mold.

He rubbed his eyes, taking a deep breath to get his breathing back under control. It felt good to cry but now he felt embarrassed that he'd let go in front of Simon.

"Don't you have a job to get to?" he asked.

Job.

Yes.

"I..." Simon blinked and checked his phone.

"I'm late, actually."

"You should go."

Matt smiled weakly. "I'll be here when you return. The way I feel I think I could sleep for a week or more."

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Nobody Needs to Know (February Catch-All)

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